E is for Erratic and in this case it’s being applied to the 3 toddlers that I live with. I have often made the point to the other adults around me that if we were to act as erratically or as emotionally unstable as our little ones do we would all be spending some time in the nearest mental facility. Because lets be honest. 2,3,4 and even 5 year olds are very Erratic in their behaviour. One minute they are throwing themselves on the ground in utter dispare and the next they are throwing their heads back belting out a maniacal laugh that would send even Hannibal Lecter running with fear.
I have decided to keep my words short on this issue, because I think it is one better illustrated with pictures of the tiny Erratic ones I speak of. They have no boundaries, they know no limits, they scream at will, they cry on que and they are terrifying……WELCOME to my ERRATICALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL life!
The Boy has many, many moods. All of them can come an go within minutes of each other:
Sparky is our actress, she loves the camera and she loves her Drama:
And then we have our amazingly funny but very introspective MJ:
My 3 little Erratic entities….their constantly changing moods keep this Mom on her toes 24-7:
I recently read a blog post over at Oliviasview Blog titled “Relative Strangers: what grandparents think about donor conception” and it prompted me to finally write a post myself about the role of Grandparents in the life of Donor Conceived Children. I have thought about this many times, to be honest most of the time I see my kids with my husbands parents as they are the non-bio side of the equation, and my thoughts are always filled with awe and amazement. His parents are have been nothing but supportive, loving and extremely present in the lives of our children. One would think nothing out of the ‘ordinary’ if they were to see the kids interacting with them.
This is their Gramma who is not biologically connected to them. BUT she is the proudest, most loving, accepting, amazing Gramma ever and these kids ask for her and talk about her constantly.
Growing up I had a cousin who was adopted and I always remember my Grandmother treating him differently, I never once saw her show him any affection, as a matter of fact I am not sure I ever even saw her address him directly, and he knew it! I suppose I had a bit of a fear of something similar happening to my kids. But to my relief it has not turned out that way. Perhaps it is the difference in generations and the difference in what makes up a family these days. Our family makeup is a very eclectic one. There is divorce on both sides, remarriages, step-sisters, step-moms, step-grandmoms, step cousins, aunties and uncles who are non-bio….and on and on. So our kids have already been born into a family that has a varied past in blended families and members of the family who are not biologically linked but very much a part of our everyday lives.
A while ago I stumbled across an article that spoke about parents of those who chose to donate sperm or eggs. I never thought how they may be affected by the notion that there were going to be an undisclosed amount of biological grandchildren born to strangers. Their DNA, their Grandbabies and they would never get the chance to know them, to even know if they existed or not. I sat with this thought for quite sometime, trying to figure out how I felt about it, that my kids not only had the grandparents they see but that they have an entire family they will never know, not just a biological dad or half-siblings they will never know. They have aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. Then I shut it all off, it is all very overwhelming, and if I feel that emotionally entrenched by it all, I can only imagine how my kids are going to feel as they get older and start to realize the extent of their DNA and the lack of information they will be able to know about it.
This is a pic that was taken this past Christmas. This is a picture of Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and a Gramma who are not biologically connected to my kids, BUT who are the most amazing people in the world. Our kids are so attached and in love with each and everyone of them!
On another note, and one that caught me pleasantly off guard, there is yet another category of Grandparent in the mix. I have been in contact with 2 of our children’s half-siblings. One of the moms is a Single mom and she contacted me so that she would have the information to be able to give to her son if and when he wanted it, she stated that she was not particularly interested in extensive contact. She did however facebook friend me and through that avenue we are able to share pictures of the children and keep tabs on daily life. A short while after she friend requested me I got a request from her mother, the Grandmother. She also was very polite and not wanting to be intrusive be she asked if she might be able to be a facebook friend so that she could also see her grandsons half-siblings growing up. It struck me that in creating these children using a sperm donor we have thrown a monkey wrench into so many different family scenarios, and I will admit that in making our decision to use a donor I never once thought about the extended families on any level, in my mind it was all about us.
Along my travels through the interwebs I have bumped into the term ‘Epigenetics’, now I am not going to even pretend I am scientific enough to dissect the actual studies behind this term, but I will say that I know on the surface it is about the old argument of nature vs nurture. For the past 4 years I have closely watched my children and tried to figure out if the traits and mannerisms they are demonstrating are coming from me – nature or my husband – nurture? As of this day I cannot tell and a lot of the time I wonder if it really matters, does it matter why they laugh a certain way, or stand a certain way? I could wonder forever, because they have family they will never know, and maybe it is the Mother of their sperm donor who stands like that or laughs like that, a Grandmother they will never know!
Depression, as much as I didn’t want to admit to having the ‘D’ word being a part of my life after I had my kids the day I did was the best thing I could have done. I have since spoken to other mom friends who describe similar feelings to those I have and I urge them to tell their doctors, there is no shame in having Postpartum Depression and there is even less shame in getting treated for it. My treatment comes in the form of a little white pill called Cipralex and it has made all the difference in this crazy moms life.
My depression snuck up on me after having my first and shortly after I became pregnant with the twins. I was scared of the feelings I was having and I felt extreme guilt and confusion over them. Why do I feel so angry, so much anxiety, so much frustration and why do I have such absolutely irrational thoughts? I should be running around in a state of complete blissfulness, this is what I wanted, babies! It had taken us almost 10 years and lots of visitis to the fertility clinic to get these precious little ones, and further yet, here I was going to the clinic with a 7 month old in my arms announcing to the staff that the latest visit and the IUI treatment had worked, I was pregnant with twins. It was around that time when I realized something was off with me. As I stood there telling them and listening to all the adulation coming from the room, even from a women who sat there waiting for turn who tearfully said “I want that” as she looked at my baby girl and heard my news. all I could muster was a weak smile and some fake responses of joy.
However, it wouldn’t be until after the twins were born and many visits to my doctors with baby related issues, that she (My Doctor) could see how much of a wreck I was. She started urging me to come in and talk to her alone, without the kids in tow, she was suggesting medication to help me through the mess, the craziness and through what I now realize is a very common thing after you have babies, wether they were wanted for years or just simply a happy surprise. Finally the day came when I had nothing left and I dragged my tired butt into her office and accepted her offer of what I call, Mommies Happy Pills. It took about a month for the effects to kick in and when they did life slowly started to change. I was still tired, because unfortunately the pills I was taking didn’t help the kids sleep longer or more often, but I no longer felt the anxiety of every moment. I was starting to appreciate being with the kids and having fun with them instead of fretting about every thing that was going on in the room and the world for that matter. I had found a sort of peace in the chaotic storm that was newborn twins and a 16 month old.
I won’t lie to you, there have been moments in the past almost 3 years of taking my Mommy Pills that I have cursed the fact that I need a pill to cope, I even made one stupid attempt to go off them cold turkey….that was a bad week! I seemed to accept that I had Postpartum Depression very easily once I discussed everything with my doctor but I struggle with the idea that I needed to take a pill everyday to deal with it, I’ll be honest, I hated the fucking idea of it! But lately I’ve hade a major attitude shift about the pills, I decided not to look at them as the enemy, as the thing that made me a bad Mommy because I needed them to ‘deal’ with my kids, I decided to see them as an allie, a little tiny friend that gives me the ability to go on and see things with a mind less muddled with fear and confusion. Now a days I feel very lucky to have found such a friend, she is always there for me, she never tells me I am doing anything wrong, and she definitely doesn’t give me the hangover that some of this Mommies other silent but tasty friends can provide!
In our house co-sleeping was never part of our parenting plan, it wasn’t something that I thought about at all, but somehow it became a part of our lives and has been for over 3 years now. I know that there are families that make co-sleeping part of their plan, they use it as a bonding experience and as a way to make their children feel more secure. In our house it happened because MJ had the stomach flu.
One night many years ago when I was 5 months pregnant with the twins and MJ had just turned 1 we began our journey into the world of ‘co-sleeping’, ‘bed sharing’ or as its also called ‘the family bed’. All these terms make it sound just as I had heard it described, bonding, restful nights for everyone, the feeling of security….folks can I just tell you it’s all a pile of horse pucky!!! We brought our 1 year old into our bed because she and I both had the stomach flu and I just could not keep getting up, at least when she barfed in our bed I could just grab another towel from the pile next to me and wipe it up. Eventually she got better and so did I, but she never left the bed. It took almost 2 years for her to start sleeping in her own bed and staying there through the night. For the longest time she didn’t even have a room of her own, our room was her room.
Me, MJ and The Boy….Does this look comfortable???
During this time the twins were born and they both refused to sleep in cribs. They slept in their bouncy chairs for months out in our living room while we took shifts sleeping on the couch next to them. We tried at one point when they were around 6 months old to move them into their cribs, it was a no go. So we went out and bought a very, very large couch and they started sleeping on the couch with one of us at night while the other one of us slept in our bed with our now 2 year old. Here we remained for the next year and a half. Finally when our twins turned 2 we set up a room for them and we started staying in there with them until they feel asleep. The only problem with this is that although we would successfully get them to fall asleep, they would both wonder into our bed during the night and once again we were co-sleeping. At this point we were sleeping with 3 kids in our bed and it was in no way peaceful, restful or secure, because I was on the verge of falling out most nights.
The Twins Sparky and The Boy ….. In their Bouncy chairs that are to become beds for the next 6 months.
The couch that one of us slept on with the twins for almost a year and a half …. somehow they could actually sleep on top of each other all night like this.
Things got a bit better when MJ started staying in her room through the night which has been over a year now, but we still had Sparky and The Boy coming in. The good news and why I wanted to write this post is because for the past 4 nights in a row The Boy has been staying in his bed through the night. It has been amazing. Now with only one and the tiniest one at that, we are sleeping, I am rested in the morning, I no longer cling to the edge of the bed fearing the fall that has in fact happened a few nights. I am not getting kicked in the head, no fingers are going up my nose or in my ears, my hair isn’t being pulled my eyes aren’t being poked, my back isn’t being jumped on by early risers. We only have one to go, one more little one that will hopefully decide to stay in her bed through the night very soon.
It has been a very gradual process over the past 4 or so years, one that I am only now fully realizing and admitting, and that is “That I, as a mother have become a very BAD driver, and an even worse parker.” You will often hear me making the comments that mother’s with little kids in the car with them are the most dangerous driver’s on the road. It is almost impossible to keep my Mommy Mini Van, which the kids have named “Rosie”, from veering off onto the shoulder at least several times while we are our outings. I am fairly sure that I am looking into my rearview mirrors, which are pointing at the kids in the back and not out the back window, 90% of the time I am driving, therefore only 10% of my attention is actually focused on the road and cars in front of me.
Driving with toddlers, and I have three of them, and keeping up with all the songs, demands, conversations, arguments, who’s kicking who, who dropped what and dealing with who has to stop and pee makes me a very distracted driver. I probably should not be admitting this to the world, but I am sure, NO I know that there are other BAD Mommy and Daddy drivers out there, because I have been behind you in your Mommy Mobile’s and I know exactly what is going on in your car. I can see you passing sippy cups and Ipods to your little ones from the front to the back as you swerve into the middle of the road. I know you, I am you and I have sympathy for you, because at one time you were a wonderful driver, you paid attention, you followed the rules of the road, you didn’t speed up like a demon a few km’s from your house hoping to get home to the potty before your little one had a pee pee accident. You were the picture of road safety and so was I, one time, a long time ago, before driving became a multi-tasking event!
As you can imagine it is pretty much complete chaos around here with 2 year old twins and a 3 year old. I always get a kick out of people when they comment to me that I should get some sleep when the kids take their nap. I used to give them the long involved timeline as to when my kids stopped napping and why even if they did nap it was never at the same time. But now I just smile nod my head and give them a look of thankful acknowledgement that hopefully indicates to them that they have just given me the missing link in my life, the answer to how I can finally catch up on my sleep and regain sanity.
However, sometimes once in a blue moon the twins actually nap during the day, and on an even rarer occasion then that they do it at the same time. Today was one of those absolutely blissful days. We had a busy day of getting our christmas tree and decorating it and then we also decorated the house for MJ’s 4th birthday tomorrow. After all the festive fun was done, Sparky and The Boy crawled under their blankets on the couch and fell asleep within seconds of each other and miraculously napped for over an hour, which is unheard of for my kids. All 3 of them stopped napping on a regular daily basis around the age of 1 and life threw me one more daily challenge of juggling 1 year old twins and a 2 year old who would not nap.
But then there are days like today when life hands me a moment, a peaceful, blissful minute when the gruesome twosome are sleeping simultaneously in the middle of the day. It gives me time to stop and breathe and look at their peaceful little bodies, it allows me to erase months of crazy, and reset my gauges back to normal. I won’t lie, once they woke up it was all tears and tempers, but I was able to handle it with more focus and tolerance…..it’s amazing what one little hour can do!!!!!
Before MJ went off to start her school career I never thought much about wether or not she would fit in, I just always assumed she would. Why not, she is a smart, funny little girl with so much enthusiasm and energy. She has so much to say and so much to share, I never for once thought she would get to school and be the kid who was quiet and kept to herself. I didn’t foresee her coming home and telling me that the other kids tell her she doesn’t talk and that makes her Sad! My little Bear Cub has been sent out to the wolves and she is SAD!
There are a few other things going on for her at school as well which might be contributing to her quiet shyness at school. It seems that she is one of the 2 smallest little girls in the school and she is also the youngest. She is still 3 (turns 4 on Dec. 9th). My husband had worries about her going off to JK and being the youngest there. I never even gave it a bit of concern, I just couldn’t see how that could be an issue at all, of course during my time at school being a March baby, I was always one of the older kids in my year. Hubby is a November baby himself, and he vividly remembers being the younger of the group, and he can recall being teased.
MJ is not getting teased per say, but she has become a real life doll for the older girls in the school. They are trying to mother her and are constantly pawing at her and mauling her. I have seen it, and I can tell it bothers her immensely. She tucks her little hands up into her coat so they can’t grab them and drag her around, she shrugs up her shoulders when they try and put their arms around her and I have seen her go over to the wall of the school and sit against it so they can’t lift her up and carry her around. She looks so lost and sad out there in the school yard with all these wanna be momma bear girls treating my little cub like she belongs to them. They call her a baby, in a way that is meant to be sweet and nice, but all she hears is that she is a Baby and not the Big Girl she feels like she should be.
MY BIG GIRL ‘MJ’ …. SHE’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE!!!
All of this has hit this Momma Bear in an unexpected way. At first I felt sad as well, it breaks my heart to hear her say she is sad, and I feel guilty for sending her out into this harsh world all alone. But after a sleepless night and some consideration I am now feeling pissed off and I want to Growl as loudly as I can, even if it is inappropriate and not helpful at all. The advice I want to give her is wrought with all my hangups from my days of being a messed up school girl and a confused adolescent. I want to tell her to say and do all the things I wish I had and/or all the things I did say that made me perhaps come across as somewhat angry and bitter. But they are the things that I feel made me strong and I want her to be strong, I want her to not give a crap about what the other kids are saying….I so wish she wouldn’t get in trouble for telling them fuck off, because if she could get away with it I would tell her to say it. ”Get your fucking hands off of me, and who the fuck cares if I don’t talk a lot, maybe I have nothing to fucking say to you!!!!” But that is all unacceptable and would probably put me right at the top of the worst mom list of 2012!
So my good mommy advice to her would be: ”Don’t worry what the other kids say. If you do not feel like talking to some kids then you don’t have to. There is nothing wrong with being quiet.” I know its boring, generic advice, but I figure its safe and will keep us both out of trouble.
As for the older girls in the playground constantly doting on her, I would tell her to ask them politely to “Please stop touching me, I want to go and play with my friends.” It is actually advice I got from my mom because to be honest this is one I do not think I can be objective about. I have already mentioned it to her teachers that she is being overly adorned by little girls who think she is their play thing, and their response pissed me off almost as much as the situation does. They said “We know it is happening, but she is just so cute”. So what, cute or not she is being bugged and pestered and she doesn’t like it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooowwwwwwwlllllllllllll!!!!!!!
Well there it is, MJ is 3 and she has been in school for 2 1/2 months and is already coming home upset and dishevelled at the end of the day, and as her mom I am finding that all the memories and angst that I gained from my sketchy school experience is coming flooding back to me….WOW the next 15 years are going to be long!!!!
