E is for Erratic and in this case it’s being applied to the 3 toddlers that I live with. I have often made the point to the other adults around me that if we were to act as erratically or as emotionally unstable as our little ones do we would all be spending some time in the nearest mental facility. Because lets be honest. 2,3,4 and even 5 year olds are very Erratic in their behaviour. One minute they are throwing themselves on the ground in utter dispare and the next they are throwing their heads back belting out a maniacal laugh that would send even Hannibal Lecter running with fear.
I have decided to keep my words short on this issue, because I think it is one better illustrated with pictures of the tiny Erratic ones I speak of. They have no boundaries, they know no limits, they scream at will, they cry on que and they are terrifying……WELCOME to my ERRATICALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL life!
The Boy has many, many moods. All of them can come an go within minutes of each other:
Sparky is our actress, she loves the camera and she loves her Drama:
And then we have our amazingly funny but very introspective MJ:
My 3 little Erratic entities….their constantly changing moods keep this Mom on her toes 24-7:
I recently read a blog post over at Oliviasview Blog titled “Relative Strangers: what grandparents think about donor conception” and it prompted me to finally write a post myself about the role of Grandparents in the life of Donor Conceived Children. I have thought about this many times, to be honest most of the time I see my kids with my husbands parents as they are the non-bio side of the equation, and my thoughts are always filled with awe and amazement. His parents are have been nothing but supportive, loving and extremely present in the lives of our children. One would think nothing out of the ‘ordinary’ if they were to see the kids interacting with them.
This is their Gramma who is not biologically connected to them. BUT she is the proudest, most loving, accepting, amazing Gramma ever and these kids ask for her and talk about her constantly.
Growing up I had a cousin who was adopted and I always remember my Grandmother treating him differently, I never once saw her show him any affection, as a matter of fact I am not sure I ever even saw her address him directly, and he knew it! I suppose I had a bit of a fear of something similar happening to my kids. But to my relief it has not turned out that way. Perhaps it is the difference in generations and the difference in what makes up a family these days. Our family makeup is a very eclectic one. There is divorce on both sides, remarriages, step-sisters, step-moms, step-grandmoms, step cousins, aunties and uncles who are non-bio….and on and on. So our kids have already been born into a family that has a varied past in blended families and members of the family who are not biologically linked but very much a part of our everyday lives.
A while ago I stumbled across an article that spoke about parents of those who chose to donate sperm or eggs. I never thought how they may be affected by the notion that there were going to be an undisclosed amount of biological grandchildren born to strangers. Their DNA, their Grandbabies and they would never get the chance to know them, to even know if they existed or not. I sat with this thought for quite sometime, trying to figure out how I felt about it, that my kids not only had the grandparents they see but that they have an entire family they will never know, not just a biological dad or half-siblings they will never know. They have aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. Then I shut it all off, it is all very overwhelming, and if I feel that emotionally entrenched by it all, I can only imagine how my kids are going to feel as they get older and start to realize the extent of their DNA and the lack of information they will be able to know about it.
This is a pic that was taken this past Christmas. This is a picture of Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and a Gramma who are not biologically connected to my kids, BUT who are the most amazing people in the world. Our kids are so attached and in love with each and everyone of them!
On another note, and one that caught me pleasantly off guard, there is yet another category of Grandparent in the mix. I have been in contact with 2 of our children’s half-siblings. One of the moms is a Single mom and she contacted me so that she would have the information to be able to give to her son if and when he wanted it, she stated that she was not particularly interested in extensive contact. She did however facebook friend me and through that avenue we are able to share pictures of the children and keep tabs on daily life. A short while after she friend requested me I got a request from her mother, the Grandmother. She also was very polite and not wanting to be intrusive be she asked if she might be able to be a facebook friend so that she could also see her grandsons half-siblings growing up. It struck me that in creating these children using a sperm donor we have thrown a monkey wrench into so many different family scenarios, and I will admit that in making our decision to use a donor I never once thought about the extended families on any level, in my mind it was all about us.
Along my travels through the interwebs I have bumped into the term ‘Epigenetics’, now I am not going to even pretend I am scientific enough to dissect the actual studies behind this term, but I will say that I know on the surface it is about the old argument of nature vs nurture. For the past 4 years I have closely watched my children and tried to figure out if the traits and mannerisms they are demonstrating are coming from me – nature or my husband – nurture? As of this day I cannot tell and a lot of the time I wonder if it really matters, does it matter why they laugh a certain way, or stand a certain way? I could wonder forever, because they have family they will never know, and maybe it is the Mother of their sperm donor who stands like that or laughs like that, a Grandmother they will never know!
Depression, as much as I didn’t want to admit to having the ‘D’ word being a part of my life after I had my kids the day I did was the best thing I could have done. I have since spoken to other mom friends who describe similar feelings to those I have and I urge them to tell their doctors, there is no shame in having Postpartum Depression and there is even less shame in getting treated for it. My treatment comes in the form of a little white pill called Cipralex and it has made all the difference in this crazy moms life.
My depression snuck up on me after having my first and shortly after I became pregnant with the twins. I was scared of the feelings I was having and I felt extreme guilt and confusion over them. Why do I feel so angry, so much anxiety, so much frustration and why do I have such absolutely irrational thoughts? I should be running around in a state of complete blissfulness, this is what I wanted, babies! It had taken us almost 10 years and lots of visitis to the fertility clinic to get these precious little ones, and further yet, here I was going to the clinic with a 7 month old in my arms announcing to the staff that the latest visit and the IUI treatment had worked, I was pregnant with twins. It was around that time when I realized something was off with me. As I stood there telling them and listening to all the adulation coming from the room, even from a women who sat there waiting for turn who tearfully said “I want that” as she looked at my baby girl and heard my news. all I could muster was a weak smile and some fake responses of joy.
However, it wouldn’t be until after the twins were born and many visits to my doctors with baby related issues, that she (My Doctor) could see how much of a wreck I was. She started urging me to come in and talk to her alone, without the kids in tow, she was suggesting medication to help me through the mess, the craziness and through what I now realize is a very common thing after you have babies, wether they were wanted for years or just simply a happy surprise. Finally the day came when I had nothing left and I dragged my tired butt into her office and accepted her offer of what I call, Mommies Happy Pills. It took about a month for the effects to kick in and when they did life slowly started to change. I was still tired, because unfortunately the pills I was taking didn’t help the kids sleep longer or more often, but I no longer felt the anxiety of every moment. I was starting to appreciate being with the kids and having fun with them instead of fretting about every thing that was going on in the room and the world for that matter. I had found a sort of peace in the chaotic storm that was newborn twins and a 16 month old.
I won’t lie to you, there have been moments in the past almost 3 years of taking my Mommy Pills that I have cursed the fact that I need a pill to cope, I even made one stupid attempt to go off them cold turkey….that was a bad week! I seemed to accept that I had Postpartum Depression very easily once I discussed everything with my doctor but I struggle with the idea that I needed to take a pill everyday to deal with it, I’ll be honest, I hated the fucking idea of it! But lately I’ve hade a major attitude shift about the pills, I decided not to look at them as the enemy, as the thing that made me a bad Mommy because I needed them to ‘deal’ with my kids, I decided to see them as an allie, a little tiny friend that gives me the ability to go on and see things with a mind less muddled with fear and confusion. Now a days I feel very lucky to have found such a friend, she is always there for me, she never tells me I am doing anything wrong, and she definitely doesn’t give me the hangover that some of this Mommies other silent but tasty friends can provide!
In our house co-sleeping was never part of our parenting plan, it wasn’t something that I thought about at all, but somehow it became a part of our lives and has been for over 3 years now. I know that there are families that make co-sleeping part of their plan, they use it as a bonding experience and as a way to make their children feel more secure. In our house it happened because MJ had the stomach flu.
One night many years ago when I was 5 months pregnant with the twins and MJ had just turned 1 we began our journey into the world of ‘co-sleeping’, ‘bed sharing’ or as its also called ‘the family bed’. All these terms make it sound just as I had heard it described, bonding, restful nights for everyone, the feeling of security….folks can I just tell you it’s all a pile of horse pucky!!! We brought our 1 year old into our bed because she and I both had the stomach flu and I just could not keep getting up, at least when she barfed in our bed I could just grab another towel from the pile next to me and wipe it up. Eventually she got better and so did I, but she never left the bed. It took almost 2 years for her to start sleeping in her own bed and staying there through the night. For the longest time she didn’t even have a room of her own, our room was her room.
Me, MJ and The Boy….Does this look comfortable???
During this time the twins were born and they both refused to sleep in cribs. They slept in their bouncy chairs for months out in our living room while we took shifts sleeping on the couch next to them. We tried at one point when they were around 6 months old to move them into their cribs, it was a no go. So we went out and bought a very, very large couch and they started sleeping on the couch with one of us at night while the other one of us slept in our bed with our now 2 year old. Here we remained for the next year and a half. Finally when our twins turned 2 we set up a room for them and we started staying in there with them until they feel asleep. The only problem with this is that although we would successfully get them to fall asleep, they would both wonder into our bed during the night and once again we were co-sleeping. At this point we were sleeping with 3 kids in our bed and it was in no way peaceful, restful or secure, because I was on the verge of falling out most nights.
The Twins Sparky and The Boy ….. In their Bouncy chairs that are to become beds for the next 6 months.
The couch that one of us slept on with the twins for almost a year and a half …. somehow they could actually sleep on top of each other all night like this.
Things got a bit better when MJ started staying in her room through the night which has been over a year now, but we still had Sparky and The Boy coming in. The good news and why I wanted to write this post is because for the past 4 nights in a row The Boy has been staying in his bed through the night. It has been amazing. Now with only one and the tiniest one at that, we are sleeping, I am rested in the morning, I no longer cling to the edge of the bed fearing the fall that has in fact happened a few nights. I am not getting kicked in the head, no fingers are going up my nose or in my ears, my hair isn’t being pulled my eyes aren’t being poked, my back isn’t being jumped on by early risers. We only have one to go, one more little one that will hopefully decide to stay in her bed through the night very soon.
It has been a very gradual process over the past 4 or so years, one that I am only now fully realizing and admitting, and that is “That I, as a mother have become a very BAD driver, and an even worse parker.” You will often hear me making the comments that mother’s with little kids in the car with them are the most dangerous driver’s on the road. It is almost impossible to keep my Mommy Mini Van, which the kids have named “Rosie”, from veering off onto the shoulder at least several times while we are our outings. I am fairly sure that I am looking into my rearview mirrors, which are pointing at the kids in the back and not out the back window, 90% of the time I am driving, therefore only 10% of my attention is actually focused on the road and cars in front of me.
Driving with toddlers, and I have three of them, and keeping up with all the songs, demands, conversations, arguments, who’s kicking who, who dropped what and dealing with who has to stop and pee makes me a very distracted driver. I probably should not be admitting this to the world, but I am sure, NO I know that there are other BAD Mommy and Daddy drivers out there, because I have been behind you in your Mommy Mobile’s and I know exactly what is going on in your car. I can see you passing sippy cups and Ipods to your little ones from the front to the back as you swerve into the middle of the road. I know you, I am you and I have sympathy for you, because at one time you were a wonderful driver, you paid attention, you followed the rules of the road, you didn’t speed up like a demon a few km’s from your house hoping to get home to the potty before your little one had a pee pee accident. You were the picture of road safety and so was I, one time, a long time ago, before driving became a multi-tasking event!
A Bucket List? Why in the world would I want a bucket list. Especially since I am only 40, it seems to me that these lists were meant for those who were 65 and over, a sort of get it done before you die list. But then the strangest thing happened this morning. As I was waking up to a household of screaming, laughing, triangle and harmonica playing toddlers jumping on my bed it just popped into my head, I want to make a bucket list, NO! I NEED to make a bucket list. The only question was what the heck do I want to do before I leave this earth. I have spent the last 6 years either trying to get pregnant or being pregnant or raising babies, who the heck am I and what the heck do I want to do with myself. I am fortunate enough to be in a place where the kids are either in daycare or school full time now which gives me a window of 6 hours per day all to myself, time to make meals, do laundry, chase down cobwebs, scrub toilets, you get the idea, but surely I can sneak a few bucket list items into the mix. Of course I want to put large items on my list like traveling and solving world hunger, but for now, for this tired mom who can only just start to think about doing something for herself, I think I will start small. So here it is my bucket list as it stands this morning, in no particular order. I am sure it will be a work in progress, an ever changing list as I am almost convinced I have a slight undiagnosed case of ADHD (but that’s a whole other post).
BUCKET LIST: the small things
Take a photography course. I have always wanted to learn to be a better photographer, I’m not looking to get my pictures recognized around the world, I would just like them to be recognizable to those who see them.
Get more tattoo’s. This one has been on my mind for years, but always on the back burner, life kept getting in the way. I only have one right now that also needs touching up.
Making stuff out of junk. Ok this has been a passion of mine for years, and I used to collect junk and do this but again all my ideas and projects got put to the sidelines and eventually through all of our moving I gave it all away for someone else to be creative with. I want to get back into this. Hubby is going to love this one :/
Learn to make soaps, creams, herbal rubs, etc…and sell them at the markets. I have also wanted to do this one for a long time. I have a company name and logo already done.
Learn to take video and turn it into small productions. I have always thought about making a documentary, but first I have to learn how to take proper video and use imovie or some editing program like that.
Start a podcast. I think I need a partner for this one, might be a bit boring if I am just talking to myself.
Start Vlogging. I am both excited and nervous about this one. I am not sure how much I want to be on camera, so I might be bugging a lot of my friends and family with a video camera in their faces in order to make this one happen.
Start loving myself more!
BUCKET LIST: the big things
Travel to all the caribbean islands. I have already been to 6, so quite a few more to get to.
Own a cottage.
Finish our house.
Be a successful freelance writer.
Love myself more.
What are your bucket list ideas. Let me know I am always looking for inspiration and partners in crime. :)
I must be a mom. Today I decided to clean out my purse, a purse which I call my first grown up purse. I got it for a gift from ‘hubby santa’ for christmas 2011, and I love it. It is big, it is adult looking, and it is pink….not to mention it is a Coach Purse. Now I have to say that I have never ever cared about a brand name purse, heck I have not even had a real purse before, up until I got this one I carried things in a knapsack or just a wallet. But then I had kids and I started having to carry their crap around with me and the time came that I wanted something a little more elegant then a diaper dude to carry all our stuff in. So when our local outlet mall opened a coach store I went in and found the love of my life, my coach purse. It is wonderful, huge and seems to be like a magicians hat, bottomless. I can just keep putting more and more in and there never seems to be a bottom.
Today I cleaned out my purse and I had to chuckle at myself a little, I went from a knapsack, to a diaper bag to a purse and that purse is filled with all the junk that a mom would carry. Its like a personal evolution, into adulthood/parenthood. I had crumbs, I’ll say they were cookie crumbs, but they may have been something else. I had old and new kleenex. Wipes, crayons and candies from restaurants, because if they are handing them out I am stocking up on them. I feel like at 40 I have finally arrived into the realm of being a responsible adult, someone who feeds and keeps kids alive, someone who owns a home, who drives a car….who would have guessed a purse could take on such significance in ones life.
As you can imagine it is pretty much complete chaos around here with 2 year old twins and a 3 year old. I always get a kick out of people when they comment to me that I should get some sleep when the kids take their nap. I used to give them the long involved timeline as to when my kids stopped napping and why even if they did nap it was never at the same time. But now I just smile nod my head and give them a look of thankful acknowledgement that hopefully indicates to them that they have just given me the missing link in my life, the answer to how I can finally catch up on my sleep and regain sanity.
However, sometimes once in a blue moon the twins actually nap during the day, and on an even rarer occasion then that they do it at the same time. Today was one of those absolutely blissful days. We had a busy day of getting our christmas tree and decorating it and then we also decorated the house for MJ’s 4th birthday tomorrow. After all the festive fun was done, Sparky and The Boy crawled under their blankets on the couch and fell asleep within seconds of each other and miraculously napped for over an hour, which is unheard of for my kids. All 3 of them stopped napping on a regular daily basis around the age of 1 and life threw me one more daily challenge of juggling 1 year old twins and a 2 year old who would not nap.
But then there are days like today when life hands me a moment, a peaceful, blissful minute when the gruesome twosome are sleeping simultaneously in the middle of the day. It gives me time to stop and breathe and look at their peaceful little bodies, it allows me to erase months of crazy, and reset my gauges back to normal. I won’t lie, once they woke up it was all tears and tempers, but I was able to handle it with more focus and tolerance…..it’s amazing what one little hour can do!!!!!
I feel like I am a prison guard patrolling the yard watching over the inmates and trying to break up their fights. The only slight difference is, the prison yard around here is usually the living room floor, the inmates are toddlers aged 2 and 3 and I have no weapons to protect myself! These days its all about the fights, the 2 year old twins like to get at each other, and the 3 year old just panics, cries and fights her way through everything. Hair is flying, fists are pumping and jabbing, teeth are gnawing and its getting ugly. Faces have scratches, there are teeth marks in the strangest spots and there are a significant amount of toy like objects being hurled through the air aimed at one another. The only other difference between me and a prison guard is that at the end of the day, the week, the month, I don’t get to come home and leave it all behind and I don’t get paid!
The Girls Have Their Brother Trapped & Yes I Took The Picture Before I Rescued Him!!!
